Gracesicle

Oh, poor blog. Who will update you when I freeze to death in my own home, abandoned by a landlord who doesn't live on site, doesn't pay the bills, and doesn't seem to care? Alas.

Honestly, though, the standards in New York seem atrocious. At a party on Friday night several of us wandered into the topic of apartments. Here I thought we must just have a terrible landlord, because how, how, HOW can it be normal for people to struggle to stay warm in one of the biggest, most fabulous cities in the world?! But no, it is the norm here to have landlords out to screw you of:
a) heat
b) hot water
c) heat AND hot water
d) your--always astronomically huge, I might add--damage deposit.
(And don't even think about breaking your lease, even if you are freezing to death. The landlord can sue you for the entire amount rent owed to him for the entirety of the remaining lease.) It seems criminal! (Not unlike the rents. And the very existence of cockroaches.)

Some things New York excels at: big-scale musicals, museums, parades, libraries. Other things need such a serious amount of work: acceptable levels of heat, true protection for the tenant and not just the landlord, the price per square foot of rental apartments.

And now what?

So, in spite of a series of major third week setbacks, I managed to finish my 50,000 words--with a day to spare! Of course the immediate rush of pride and accomplishment was followed by a numbing sense of... now what? Rationally I know I need to do several things, not the least of which is finish the manuscript! I even know what happens next, but for some reason the sitting down and doing part is really draining.

I know, I know, I need to take my own advice and at least do the ten minute magical power write.

I also need to finish that query letter, and start trying to get that first book published.

And I need to get the first issue of my online magazine up and running. This weekend.

Mostly I just want to sleep.

Ahh, yes, depression my old friend. You love to hang about when the days are short and dark and cold. You love to creep in when my defenses are down. You love to crawl into the dark space under the stairs of my brain and start whispering. Depression, you are a real asshole, you know?

For now, Depression, screw you. I am going to make myself some tea. I am going to put some slippers on my freezing feet and wrap myself in a cozy cocoon of sweaters and blankets and sweatpants. I am going to write all afternoon, where I will be transported to Paris and my two main characters will continue squabbling, and eventually they'll start to see eye to eye. Maybe I'll even get to write another surprise kiss.

Surprise kisses on Parisian foot-bridges under rose-petal sunsets make it all worthwhile. In the background someone is playing Yann Tiersen music on an accordion, and I will follow their example.

Do I hate the Sun?!?!?!?

I think I hate the sun. At least during the winter time.

I love the sun when the weather is warm, when I can throw on a strapless sun dress and drink beer on a patio in some fabulous place in Europe, when the only thing I have to think about is the present moment: how the cold beer feels against my lips when I take a sip, watching people pass, and engaging in great conversation, and most importantly, knowing that a trip to the art museum or beach is coming up.

But when it's cold....I want clouds and darkness. I want to wear sweaters and jeans, and I want overcast and grayness. And when the sun comes out in the middle of my damp and depressing wonderland, I, like a vampire squint, and get poopy and want my sad weather back to make me feel good. 

Weird? Maybe. According to the weather forecast, this winter will be the coldest one in Vancouver since 15 years ago. Give me until March--I'll be eating the words on this blog and longing for the sundress and beer.

It's funny--I have days where I feel like I'm walking on air, and then there are those days when my feet get stuck in the ground, movement in any direction takes all my energy, and I cannot see beyond the tip of my nose. Those days when you feel like: "There is nothing, NOTHING, to look forward too." Today I realize that this happens when two things lack--clarity and specificity.

Maybe they are pretty much both the same thing. When I look at the big picture of things I want to accomplish, I get overwhelmed and forget about all those little things--the little things that are possible--that I need to do to reach my goals. If  you think of the big picture as a puzzle, you have to pay attention to the small pieces that will help you get to where you need to go. When you have small, specific blocks to work on, it almost becomes easy. Well...almost.....

I'm a dreamer. I like to DO, as opposed to simply dream, but at the same time, trying to finish off a project o a plan can be painful because I will often lose that excitement and curiousity I had earlier. It' the "Crap, I need to get this all done now now NOW!!!" that screws me up. I suppose what I am saying to you all, or more for me than anyone, is that it's all about living one day at a time. Day by day, step by step. It will all get done.

Well, easier said than done, but I vow to try my own advice.