Writing and the Day Job

You know, here's the thing: writers (or aspiring writers) always talk about how if they only had more time they'd write. If they didn't have to get up and go to the office, they'd write. If they didn't have to take the kids to school, make dinner, go grocery shopping, watch American Idol, they'd write.

What with my precarious visa situation here in the States (I'm allowed to be here, but I'm not allowed to work), I have nothing but time. In some ways it's been productive, I'm not going to lie. I've written the first draft of a second novel, starting shopping novel number one, am halfway through a first draft for novel number three, and have managed to maintain a quarterly schedule for my online magazine. This, all told, is probably more actual writing than I managed in the two or three years before I moved to New York.

Waitressing is not a good job for people who want to do other things, even though the stereotype is out there: struggling actors, writers, artists, singers, dancers... they all usually do a stint wearing an apron and serving food. Maybe it works for some of them. For me, it ended up draining whatever energy I had. If I had to work in the evening, I spent all day fretting about it and wishing I didn't have to go. If I worked earlier in the day, by the time I got home I was exhausted and curling up to read a book seemed much more enticing than sitting down to write one.

However, I am beginning to see why other responsibilities are good for the procrastinating writer. I, for example, do odd job work for a PR firm in Vancouver (see, I am not working in the STATES, even though I live here! Telecommute!!!) and it never fails... my boss sends me work and BAM all of a sudden writing is so appealing. Nothing cures writer's block like having to do some 'real' work.

It's good work if you can get it. But now I have procrastinated long enough, and have to cram some PR work into my day so I can get back to the characters clamoring in my head. They are so needy when they think they might be ignored!

I Wish I Had More to Say...

But I don't. I'm in a bit of a holding position right now. I'm working more slowly than I'd like, but still making progress. May is a month for visitors here, and visitors mean a break from routine. (Not a bad break from routine, but a break nonetheless.)

I've been staring out the window for five minutes, and have thought of nothing to say except: "It's raining outside."

Probably this means I should cut my losses now, take a shower, get myself together, and write more when I have something cogent and interesting to say.

A Stack of Plates

Well, that was a week.

I am getting a lot better at recognizing my triggers, and reacting to them positively before they cause a full breakdown. It's not easy, and sometimes my early-warning systems still fail. I wouldn't say this week was a bad week, but it was an emotional one. It was the kind of week where every day offered some new temptation into the spiral of depression, and every day involved me holding together all the pieces of myself as well as I could.

Imagine you're a person carrying a stack of plates. The top plate starts to teeter. The top plate is, you know, about to fall. But, if you try and catch the top plate, you know the entire stack will join it. So, sometimes it's better to let that top plate smash, put the rest of the plates down somewhere else, then come back and clean up the mess. Because at least it's only the mess from one plate, and not from ten or twenty or fifty. Without getting into the details, that was the kind of week I had.

Here's hoping this week does not follow in last week's footsteps.

A Little Epiphany is Still an Epiphany

So, I started thinking the past few days about why I've been having such a hard time writing. The screenplay, especially, but I'm behind on a few other projects, too. I've realized something sad: all the hard work I put into Novel2--writing and not editing; getting words on paper; working without overthinking; working consistently every day--got forgotten when I started a new project. A screenplay is a screenplay. It's just a piece of writing. And a first draft is just a first draft: it's meant to be edited; it's meant to be changed; it's meant to be rough.

Instead, I've sat at my computer beating myself up for not being perfect right out of the gate. The horse I'm riding may have stumbled, but I let that little setback set the tone for losing the whole race.

"Failure seldom stops you. What stops you is the fear of failure." -- Jack Lemmon

Hell, yes, Jack Lemmon. You are so, so, so right.

In other news, it is ten o'clock in the morning and I have already accomplished more today than I've managed in the past several days. There's something to feel good about, to feel proud of. Most of all, there's a foundation on which to build the rest of a productive day.

A Whole Different Ballgame

Well, this is what I can tell you about my progress with the screenplay for Script Frenzy: I am trying valiantly. I am plugging away. I am merely thirty pages behind where I ought to be at this point, and I consider that a victory.

A few days before I started, I began to have the sneaking suspicion I wasn't being honest with myself about how hard it was going to be. After all, didn't I write about two hundred pages of novel back in November? Without the fancy-pants formatting that allows for a lot fewer words per page? How hard could 100 pages of hugely indented dialogue and three-line action sequences be?

Really, really, really hard. The mindset (and writing skill-set, for that matter) necessary for screenwriting is very different from that of noveling. I can't rest on the laurels of being good with turn of phrase or being inside a character's head. Everything must be related to visuals or audio and man, oh, man, it is tough. Gratifying and interesting and challenging but tough.

And now I must go back to it. I've been working all day and I'd still like to get a few more pages done before dinner. Wish me luck.

I Am Not A Bad Writer

Every once in a while something happens to remind me I am not a bad writer. I'm not even close to a bad writer. I'm just an unpublished writer, and only because I am still afraid to start the process of sending out query letters (are you tired of hearing that phrase from me? I am getting pretty damn tired of saying it...) and, well, finding an agent and getting myself published. Etc, etc, etc. But my writing is good. My stories are good. My word choice, turns of phrase, use of metaphor... it's all good. Sometimes it's even great. Sometimes, when rereading something I've written, I get so caught up in the story, the characters, the world of the book, I forget I am the creator and just enjoy the story because it's a good story. I mean, that's a good feeling. Fabulous.

The other day, coming back from an event where I was fortunate enough to hear a reading from one of my favourite authors (and fortunate enough to have a brief chat with her, where, she reminded me, perhaps four years is long enough to worry about one novel. It may, she said, be time to let it go out into the world. Ahem. Yes. So, so, so true), I sat on the subway next to a woman reading a novel. It was in large print, so it was pretty easy for me to sneak peaks at the content. This book was terrible. It was possibly the worst book I've ever surreptitiously read a dozen pages of. It was so horrifyingly bad I still can't believe it was ever published in the first place. I mean, I thought it was ... I don't know! I thought it was self-published or something. It was so bad.

Today I found out it is a sequel to another book. IT IS PART OF A SERIES!!!

Not only did some agent decide to represent this book; not only did that agent then find a publisher to publish the book; not only did this book make it onto bookshelves and into libraries: THIS BOOK IS ONE OF MANY. ONE OF MANY TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, WRETCHEDLY WRITTEN BOOKS IN A SERIES.

I need to get published. Like, yesterday. If only to give people an alternate choice when it comes to the fiction they read on the subway.

Summer in April

Today is one of those glorious days where spring is completely bypassed in favor of summer. The weather network website tells me it is currently a balmy 22 degrees Celsius (71 for those playing the Fahrenheit home game) and it feels even warmer in the sun. Glorious! I have had my Starbucks iced coffee, I have strolled in the sun, I have written several pages of screenplay... life is good.

However, I have a teeny tiny little bone to pick. Because it is so warm and lovely, I am wearing a summer dress. What is it about the summer dress that turns men into slobbering idiots? I mean, honestly. I know I am attractive enough and I look nice in my summer dresses, but the amount of attention I received today was alarming. When Random Man number ten or eleven or twelve (definitely double digits) whistles/grunts/ogles/etc it stops being flattering and starts being gross. And kind of disturbing. Disconcerting. Yes, it's a dress. Why yes, it is a nice color. I, too, am fond of my figure. Please stop acting as though it somehow belongs to you.

Genuine admiration is one thing. So is a genuine compliment along the lines of "Your dress is really beautiful." The creepy staring and strange, wordless noises? Not so much. Okay, random men along Fifth Avenue from 10th to Garfield in Park Slope? You hear me? Enough with the noises!

Back to a To Do List

Sitting next to me, right this very moment, is a schedule. On this schedule, my day is broken up into one hour and half hour chunks. The one hour bits are taken up by writing/editing/yoga/searching for weekend theatre tickets. The half hour chunks are episodes of The Office UK.

I know, I know. I can't help it! I have been wanting to watch The Office UK for ages, but never wanted to shell out the cash necessary to rent each individual DVD of the various series. Enter my new best friend: Netflix. Netflix is amazing! It lets you watch things directly on your computer. Legally! No endless download times! And it's unlimited! So yesterday I watched series one, and today I'm working on series two. With a healthy dose of writing/editing/work in between.

Oddly, even though I am watching what amounts to three hours of television, I am also getting more work done today than I've managed in the past three (illness-ridden, mind you) weeks. I feel successful! I feel happy!

And folks, I ain't gonna argue with happy.

Handling Disappointment

I promised to write more often, so here I am. Writing. More often. I also promised to write about my experiences with Script Frenzy. So I will.

First, I should say this: I don't handle disappointment very well. It's a character flaw I've been aware of for years, and that I've been working to overcome--or at least minimize--for a long time. I'm a perfectionist, and no one's standards for me could be higher than the ones I set for myself. This is why I've been editing a novel for four years. This is why I have real trouble when it comes down to the nitty gritty work of, say, sending in query letters. It's not so much that I'm afraid of rejection... it's that even when other people--people whose opinions I trust and value and respect--tell me my work is excellent, I'm still not convinced in my own head. All of this began weighing very heavily on me last week, and sent me into a spiral of I-don't-want-to-get-up-from-bed-and-face-the-world despair. I was caught in the tragic cycle of second guessing everything, and feeling disappointed with myself to boot. Oh, disappointment. The most useless of feelings.

I didn't do much writing last week. I didn't do much of anything, really. Sad, but true. This week promises to be better. My screenplay is solidifying in my head, even though very little has made it to paper. Instead of being upset with myself for this perceived failure, I think I'll just look at it as a challenge and go from there. I'm behind about 20 pages. I have a stack of things to edit for others. I have a couple of other pieces I need to write. I have a novel to think about. I am busy and productive, and I will not beat myself up based on nothing more solid than expectations that may or may not be real and relevant. I will not allow disappointment and depression to win the day. Even if I don't reach the height of my potential today, hey, I managed to get out of bed. I ate cereal. I updated my blogs. Baby steps.

Write What You Know?

When I was younger, and more of a fantasy writer, I used to hate--and I really mean hate--those people who said, "Write what you know." In my adolescent peevishness, I thought a lot of unkind thoughts toward those early teachers, those early naysayers. I was busy creating worlds! I was writing about magic and elves and princesses and knights! Every time someone condescendingly said something about fairy stories and "Shouldn't you be writing what you know, sweetie?" I wanted to pitch a fit, complete with stamping feet and hands balled into fists.

Years later, what I've learned is this: those people who blindly spout "Write what you know" like a mantra? Those people who mean "Write about your own life and only your own life"? They don't really understand writing. They don't understand creation. They don't understand storytelling. If you're a fantasy writer and you're creating a world with its own set of rules and races and laws of physics, well... you could make a case that you know the ins and outs of that world, couldn't you? I mean, it's entirely possible you're the only creature in the world who knows that imaginary world well enough to write the stories happening in it. How's that for responsibility?

More than anything, I have learned that part of the reason I am drawn to writing is, as a writer, you are forced to learn constantly. You have a character who is a nurse? A history professor? An editor? A musician? A princess? A wizard? All of a sudden you, as the the writer and creator, need to know about walking a mile in the shoes of a nurse/history professor/editor/musician/princess/wizard. I don't think writers only tell stories about their own lives. I think the magic of being a writer is knowing with enough spit and polish and research and imagination, any person's story can be told.

If writers only wrote what they knew, there would be a hell of a lot more stories about, well, writers, wouldn't there? And I think everyone would get mighty bored of writers writing about sitting at their desks or in cafes, writing about writers writing.

Don't think, just DO.

While in Vancouver, I went to see a psychic. I've always been curious so when my friend suggested it, I agreed. It was an interesting experience, not because she told me I would have several children, that my husband is a good match for me, or that I'll be swimming in cash sooner rather than later (all of which she said)... but because she gave me some very common sense advice. "You can't open the door if you never put a key in the lock," she said. "You can't expect the door to open if you never turn the handle. You think too much. You need to stop thinking so much and start doing."

At first I was pumped up---yes! You are absolutely right, lady! I think too much! I need to do more! I have been sitting on a very good manuscript for years because I over think the details of query letters and agents and publishing. But I was still on vacation, and by the time I returned home, a lot of the high had faded and once again I find myself over-thinking instead of just doing.

I have several projects to take care of this month. Sending my query letters has to be one of them.

I am sick of being in this same rut, spinning my wheels. It's boring. It's depressing. It's frustrating. Enough already.

Some videos deserve to be shared...

...and this is one of them.

You're going to start out with some little frogs. Just wait. Because pretty soon you will see a ballerina dancing on a man's head.

That's right. Dancing on a man's head. She also dances on his arm.

This is me, shaking my head, jaw somewhere in the vicinity of my knees.

God bless YouTube.

Script Frenzy

Back in November I participated in NaNoWriMo--National Novel Writing Month. This April I am challenging myself to take part in the screen/stage play counterpart: Script Frenzy. I have always enjoyed the screenplay format, even though I focus mainly on novels.

The ideas are starting to come together, and the characters are starting to speak to me--tentatively, not quite in full thoughts or with full sentences--but most of all, I'm starting to get excited. Starting a new project is always such a thrill. Even when I know the general gist, the possibility of surprise lurks around every corner, and getting to know new characters and new settings and new situations is magical.

I'm going to attempt to set an even more significant challenge for myself this April: blog more often about the process, the ups and downs, the failures and successes. This poor blog has been so neglected of late. Perhaps this is just what it needs to get itself up and running again. We'll see.

Do You Know...

What I hate more than jet lag?

Picking up the flu virus (probably from the plane) and then spending the entire week of your in-laws' visit in an agony of fevers over 100 degrees and exhaustion and guilt about not being a better host and not being able to eat and chills and sweating and ...

You get the picture.

I Hate Jet Lag

Jet lag in the same week as daylight savings is wreaking havoc on my brain. As I write this, the clock says 4:12 pm. Oh no. It is still so totally 1:12 pm in my head (or, even, as per DST 12:12). I'm still in my PJs. I didn't have breakfast until noon. I have a headache from oversleeping (better than under-sleeping) and I have absolutely no idea what day it is.

Jet lag. You are cruel.

Aside from the obvious discomfort, however, it is good to be home. When you leave a place for a month, everything seems unfamiliar when you return to it. When I'm away, I remember my apartment smaller and darker than it actually is. I remember my husband hairier (though the shave and the haircut in my absence probably account for this). It feels good to be sitting at my own desk in my own home with my own tea in my own teacup. Even though vacationing is great, and even though all of my family and friends are miraculously generous in their hospitality, there's nothing so lovely as being back in your own space after so much time spent away.

Not so great? The 20 item To Do list (and counting) propped up next to me. Oops. I suppose I should get on with some of it.

I will be here blogging more frequently now. Promise.

Home is Where the Heart Is?

I've never really had a home town.

I was born in Swift Current. I lived in Olds, Edmonton (two neighborhoods... something and then Castle Downs), Lashburn, Halifax (Fairview Heights and then Clayton Park), Chilliwack (then across the highway in Sardis), and Vancouver (UBC--four different residences--then Kerrisdale, Downtown, Kitsilano, Kerrisdale again, South Granville and finally Yaletown). Now I live in Brooklyn (Park Slope) and will likely be moving elsewhere in Brooklyn come Sept 1st.

The strange thing is this: I don't like moving. I never have. No matter where I am, I put down roots. I hate having those roots disturbed. But when I move, I move. I don't leave pieces of myself behind, not really. Right now I'm back in Vancouver for a visit, and even though I recognize her, the city no longer feels like home. I lived in half a dozen neighborhoods here over the years. I called Vancouver home for nearly ten years. Now it is a place I come to visit. My friends live here. It's a beautiful city. It's not home. I find myself missing New York even though it's not nearly as familiar as Vancouver, even though it's only been 'home' for seven months.

I'm not sure if this ability to put down roots, to love a place passionately and then leave it behind just as quickly, is admirable or pitiable. My moving years are not finished. I'll be in New York for four or five years, and then it will be on to something, some place, else. My husband will do a post-doc somewhere. A university will offer him a job and a tenure-track position. I will keep digging up my roots--digging and replanting; replanting and redigging.

I wonder where I will end up.

Busy, busy, busy

I've been busier these last couple of weeks than any person who makes no money has any right to be. This is a measly excuse for my silence.

I'm on the home stretch--I think--with this novel's first draft. I have the peculiar 'almost-finished' feeling. I want nothing more than to sit and write and write and finish, but I also feel saddened at the thought of writing and writing and finishing.

Still, this draft has eaten my brain. I haven't been reading, I haven't been catching up with the (few) new TV show episodes that have been on (I missed two episodes of House? 3?), and the less said about the dustbunnies under my bed, the better. Still, I am almost finished a rough (oh, so very, very rough) draft!

The sign over my desk tells me I have eight days.

I wonder what will happen if I write all day today?

Tricks

It seems wrong, somehow, how many little tricks I need to keep myself motivated. I mean, it's not like I have a job cleaning toilets or something. I get to write. I get to create stories. I mean, it's practically the best job ever. You'd never know, considering how hard it is to stop procrastinating and just get words on paper.

I'm going away for a month. I leave in 15 days. Above my desk is a sign that says: "GRACE STEARNS YOU HAVE 15 DAYS TO FINISH YOUR FIRST DRAFT!!! TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE AND GET WORDS ON PAPER!" I change the number of days every morning with new sticky notes. It's a small thing, and yet I have put more words on paper in the last week than in the three weeks previous. Whatever works.

The other thing I do is reward myself with little pieces of chocolate. Cadbury Thins break into three pieces. I get to have one piece every time I finish about 400 words. (Only one bar per day though. Ha!!)

I have also, in the past week, become a huge fan of the to-do list. I have a big notebook on my desk and in the morning, while enjoying coffee and breakfast, I scribble down the things I want to accomplish. Today's list reads something like:
write 1000 words
work for C.
yoga
JdV followup
emails
blogs
etc etc.

It's mostly the same list as yesterday's, but damn, it feels good to cross things out.

I am a woman who enjoys the small things, that's for sure. Like the daily line through "Write 1000 words."

Schedules

Okay, I'll admit it: I love routine.

Now, we're not talking 9-5 office job routine. Or even get-up-every-day-at-the-same-time routine. But I am a creature of habit.

An average day looks like this: wake up (usually some time between 8 and 9:30) and stumble to the computer. Check email, drink the coffee so lovingly prepared by my husband, get up and eat a bowl of cereal. Work during the day--writing, reading, catching up with the occasional television show, once a week I have a 'phone call day' where it seems I do a lot of talking on the phone. At some point in there I eat some lunch. About an hour before my husband is due home I think about making dinner. The evenings are spent with him.

Of course, this is only when he's at school. He's been off the past four weeks and my whole schedule has gone off into a wild and wacky course of madness. I still get the sleep and the coffee and the email and the cereal, but the work has been shot to hell. I'm not complaining, per se, because I loved having him home, but... work. Work needs to be done.

Today I am going to get to page 230. (I'm at 228.) And then, hopefully, I will get past 230 to 235 and then perhaps even near 240. I'd like to hit 60,000 words today!

Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to blog that I did so!

Writer on Writing

"If you wish to be a better writer, write."
--Epictetus

But here are a few other things I've found helpful over the years.

1. DON'T EDIT. Not at all, if you can help it. Not until the entire first draft is done. It is always so tempting to fuss and fidget with a sentence instead of getting new words on paper.

2. GET WORDS ON PAPER. 50-100-250-1000... set yourself a doable *daily* goal and then do it. Daily. Writing is a muscle that gets flabby and out of shape faster than anything else. The operative word is doable, though. If you have a day job and a busy social life or a husband and fifteen kids, you may not be able to get 20 pages a day written. But you'll still probably have time to write one. It's like when you start any exercise program---you may want to run a marathon, but if you try running a marathon on your first day of training you will become utterly discouraged and you'll fail completely...and never want to run again. And when you meet your daily goal? (It's good to set weekly/monthly ones too) Do something for yourself. Maybe for your daily goals you buy a box of gold stars and stick them on a calendar every day you make it. Weekly? Maybe a food/drink treat. Monthly? A manicure. Or a new book.

3. Don't worry about what other people think. In later drafts, you can have people read and tell you where the plot holes are, or what needs fixing, or what doesn't make sense. If you ask for any of that too soon in the process, it is easy to become discouraged--or distracted. At the same time, it is great to have another writer friend you trust, who you can talk to about being a writer. The highs, the lows, the great inspiration you had, the day you sat and worked even though you wanted to do something else... it's not about telling them all the details of your story, necessarily, it's about knowing there are other people going through similar things. Writing is a lonely job. It's always good to have friends who know what that feels like. (It's important this writer friend and you are not competitive, though. Support each other, yes, even challenge each other... but don't compete. The second half of my novel was written while I had meetings with another writer friend once a week. She was just starting her first novel at the time. We didn't even read a word of each other's stuff until after our second--maybe third--drafts were done! But we supported each other like CRAZY. I miss that now, having moved so far away.)

4. It's fantastic when inspiration happens, but if every writer waited to be inspired before actually writing their 50-100-250-1000-???? words for the day, no books would ever get written. Writing is a job. You have to do it even if you're having a bad day. You have to do it even if you feel like everything you're writing is absolute garbage. Words on the page. That's what matters. Quantity is for the first draft; quality is for editing. When that first draft is done, done, done.

5. Lastly (I kind of feel like I could go on forever, but I won't! Ha!) here is a tip that works AMAZINGLY WELL for me, especially when I don't feel like working: Set a timer for ten minutes. Pick up your pen or put your fingers on the keyboard, and DO NOT STOP WRITING until that timer goes off. I've written about this before. It still holds amazingly true.

And a book rec: Seven Steps on the Writer's Path: The Journey from Frustration to Fulfillment by Nancy Pickard and Lynn Lott. It is one of the best books on creating art I've ever read.