Bright Side

I am a pretty happy person. Very happy, I would say. I see the good in all things, and my friends often come to me for encouragement and a little bit of pep. The why the hell can't I do that for myself?

My good friend Grace was the first to bring it to my attention as I read through an email of a certain foreign gentleman that I fancy (like, really fancy) and for one reason or another, I did not get what I wanted out of the email. It was not a bad email. It was actually quite lovely. It's just that I found one thing--one teeny tiny thing that created doubt in my brain, and then all hell breaks loose at work. Am I going nuts? Nobody likes me everybody hates me? Am I destined to be Crazy Cat Woman and live in an attic drinking martinis before noon?

Grace put the facts straight in front of me--Where I'm a fabulous cheerleader for other people, I see the negative when it comes to my own stuff. "What?" I yelled at the computer (Grace is in NYC, I'm in Van City, so there you go) I've always prided myself as the one who always saw the light at the end of the tunnel, that had a good attitude, that was always positive, because really, if you throw the good stuff out there, the universe will respond. Bull--SHIT! Grace was right. Totally right. When wonderful and glorious things happen, I like to find the itty bitty things--the things that bring doubt--the "What if" and "This is too good to be true." Am I turning into a poopy pants? When will I ever look at the Bright Side? Did I ever look in that direction in the first place or was I just kidding myself?

Two nights ago--panic attack--one that my roommate witnessed and I sure as hell know that I freaked her out. And that feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if nothing would go right, and it was all over--at my 28th year. Scary. Very scary. Why do I do thins and how does this happen? I'm starting to piece together why and how, and I start actually looking at the Bright Side I thought escaped me. Baby steps. One foot at a time. Nothing is lost if I only dream big and believe. The bills will get paid, I will be loved, and I'll live overseas. It all works out. It's only my panic that gets in the way.