Faith is a Motherfucker

Faith. Faith. Faith.
I've been told to have faith, and to hold it in my heart. I've been told in person, over the phone, and most recently over email. I'm usually the one that likes to offer that advice as it calms, it makes you believe that all will end well, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that we all deserve happiness and most importantly, have a shot at it. And I try so hard to believe, but there are days when "Faith" is a motherfucker and it's as foreign to me as speaking Mandarin. I'm afraid that today is one of those days.

Sometimes you put yourself out there, and it's a risk, and you have faith that when you put yourself out there, whatever response you'll get will be good one way or the other--as long as you know what's happening and there is clarity, then you can move on. Or in my situation, you get really confused and wish that you never decided to open the laptop that day and say what you need to say. Sometimes the happy little world that I create in my head is alot grander than what's going on around me, which is pleasant in a way because there is always an escape, but sad in other ways because, well, that is pretty sad. You type the words that are supposed to express how you feel into an email, save the draft, give it 24 hours and go back, rewrite, cut and paste, until I'm thinking--OK, I got it. I'm going to get what i need from this email--it will anser EVERYTHING. Click and send. And wait. Wait, wait. Have faith that there will be a response and some stuff will get cleared up.

Nope, not me. Everything seems to be more.....confusing. There was this psychic I saw before a friend's wedding. I kind of want to flip her the finger now and ask for that $35 back. The first thing she told me in my reading was that it was time for happiness; the worst part was over, I have met the one I'm supposed to be with, I have to go for it, and to remeber to always believe in myself. OK, the last two, sound advice, but the other two........I know I have to give myself a huge jolt of faith for it to happen. But today, Faith is a motherfucker, and annoying bee buzzing around my caramel apple at the park, or a nagging voice at the back of my head, bothering me like when I know there is a task that needs to be completed but I keep procrastinating.

But then I make a discovery: As much as I love my friends, and really, I do, I can't tell them everything. There are some I can be completely honest with and know I will get support from (Thank you Grace), but there are others, who care alot, but plant this seed of doubt that ends up eating at me. There is a point when your people know too much. There is a point where I have to follow my heart and not let other people's judgement cloud mine no matter how much they care. Because, I later find out that I know more than what I think I know, and I do have a pretty good head on my shoulders. When faith can be a motherfucker, so can friends. For those friends, I love you but fuck off.

We all need to have faith. We do. Some say money makes the world go round--I can't say that that is not true, but the ones who live on the planet with happiness are the ones that have faith. The people that are optimistic and coach themselves through the rough spots and live for the moment have to have faith. To know that you'll get up tomorrow and all will be well takes faith. I think I have faith. I know I have faith. I know that faith is buried somewhere in my body. I'm not sure where it is exactly, but when it does come up it's a wonderful feeling that I can't even describe. When I have faith in my heart I feel like I can do anything. But when it slips away I feel so lost and tired that all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep forever, not to be bothered by telephone rings and feelings of doubt and tears.

If I have faith for this one moment, this present moment in time, I know I'll find faith again. I know it exists somewhere, and I know it will come back. I'll need the presence of faith for the next while as I make major changes in my life; I know I'll need faith when I continue the string of courageous moves that I have begun this year.

And as I write this I do feel a little better. It's just a rough patch where I have to take a deep breath and not let the thoughts go out of control. Things have to rock about a little before the foundation gets more stable.

I suppose that 'faith' is not such a motherfucker---Breathe in breathe out. It will all get better.